On Healing...

I've mentioned before that I'm a member of an awesome online Catholic Moms group.  This group is probably single-handedly responsible for both Mike and my "coming home" to the Catholic Church.   These women have supported and challenged me in ways that I cannot even begin to list here.   I love them all dearly.

It's no different during the time of the year that we Catholics call Lent - approximately the 40 days before Easter.  One of the moms presents us with a "daily Lenten resolution" for every day during this liturgical season.   I try my best to accomplish it, but this year I have been having a harder time than usual.  Maybe it's the exhaustion and the fact that my schedule just will not seem to slow down....or maybe it's a bit of laziness on my part.   I've read the challenge every day, but some days...well....it just doesn't happen.

However, today's challenge really spoke to me.  You see, this was what I woke up to this morning:

The man went and told the Jews that Jesus was the one who had made him well.
Share some way in which the Lord has healed you. Share with your family, with on-line friends, co-workers, but share some way in which He has healed you.

Guys, I can do this one.  Maybe not totally coherently, but I'll give it my best shot.

You see.....I'm a totally different woman from the one I was even three short years ago.  

Three years ago, I would have described my life as:

boring

mind-numbing

tiring

not fulfiling

monotonous

disappointing

I was stuck in a rut, convinced that I was supposed to be making a difference somewhere - - anywhere -- but not at home with my children, which was where I was being "forced" to be due to our finances and Mike's career choice (he was a medical resident at the time, working at least 80 hours a week, leaving me no time to be "fulfilled" professionally).

We were practicing Catholics, having come home by this point, but I was still convinced that I was not where I was "supposed" to be.  I was restless, certain that I was missing my chance to "make a difference."   I researched different training/education programs and degrees, spending hours trying to find a way to work them into our budget and daily life.  I went on  interview after interview of different jobs that I just *knew* would fulfill me.

And none of it came to pass.  I was offered some of those jobs (all but one, if I remember correctly), but we just couldn't make them work financially or logistically with Mike's schedule.  I was bitter.  I was frustrated.  I was restless.

I was angry with God.  Very angry.  I could not understand why He wasn't letting me fulfill my role in life.   Why was He keeping me from doing what I was being called to do?

I begged Him.  I pleaded.   I bargained with Him.  I tried to bribe Him (give me this job and I'll make sure to tithe more!).  Hey, it works with kids....I apparently had no shame in trying to get it to "work" with Him.

I finally broke down one night.  It was another night of being on my own at home.....finally having gotten all three kids in bed after being the sole provider once again.  (I was pretty worn out by the end of the fourth year of residency....it didn't exactly make me a nice person).    I spent so much of that night sobbing, praying, journaling....asking Him what I was doing so wrong that He wouldn't give me this one thing.

And then it hit me:   I wasn't being denied my "calling."   He was still there, patiently calling me to a life that He had planned for me.....a life in which I could glorify Him and do His work, just like I had envisioned.   The call was still there......I just was ignoring it.   I wasn't listening to what He was actually saying.....just listening for what I *wanted* Him to be saying, and that wasn't coming.

At that moment, I felt like that picture of St. Paul being knocked off of his horse.  I finally was being blinded by Him and hearing His call......and my whole world dropped out from underneath me.

I realized, in a split second of clarity, that I was already physically answering His call.  I was a mother.  I was a wife.

I just wasn't there emotionally. 

He was calling me to glorify Him, to serve Him, as a mother and wife.  As a member of a family. And I hadn't been listening at all.

At that moment, I asked Him for forgiveness.  I asked Him for healing (and followed it up with a fantastic confession that I still remember every second of, to this day).   I asked Him to help me see Him through the everyday tasks and happenings in my life as a mom and wife.

I'd love to say that, at that moment, I was a changed woman.  But I wasn't.  I'm pretty darn stubborn (just ask Mike).  It took many moments of crying out to Him to be healed.  I still have moments when I have to remind myself to turn to Him, not myself.   More than I'd like to admit.   It's a hard struggle when the "outside world" is telling you that all that matters is your own physical happiness, at the cost of everyone (and everything) around you.   It's hard to remember what love really is when all you are being trained to do by your culture is love yourself.   

But He did heal me.   Through groups like that awesome moms' group.  Through blogs like this one.  And this one.  And this one.   And this one.  He healed me through the love and encouragement and laughter and friendship that I found through these brilliant, awe-inspiring, funny, smart Catholic women........and through them, I found the confidence to try to witness to my own faith through this blog, with "real life" friends, and in our family.  

I'd always wanted to be a mom - it's one of the few things that I can say I always wanted to be "when I grew up."  The career would change (teacher, veterinarian, nurse, etc)....but motherhood always stayed the same.  

It took falling off of my horse and asking Him to pick me back up, but I eventually realized that my calling in life wasn't one of those careers.....but it was the ultimate career, the one I was created for:  motherhood.

I am grateful for His healing.  I'm not sure where I'd be today if it weren't for that.   I'm pretty sure I wouldn't still be married - my frustration and bitterness had caused that much of a struggle between Mike and I.   I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be as happy and content as I am at this moment, sitting in my favourite room of the house (our playroom).     I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't be laughing as much as I do today - enjoying every moment, even the unplanned, messy ones.  

I thank God every day for healing my bitterness, my restlessness.   I thank God for allowing me to see His beauty in my calling as a wife and mother.   I thank God for the greatest gift of all:  the gift of joy.  

Joy abounds in my daily life as wife and mother - and I thank Him for healing my blindness to it.

""Men can heal the lustful. Angels can heal the malicious. Only God can heal the proud."  St. John Climacus

"An integral part of any celebration is joy. A celebration can be organized, joy cannot. It can only be offered as a gift; and in fact it has been given to us in abundance. For this we are grateful. Just as Paul describes joy as a fruit of the Holy Spirit, so John in his Gospel closely links the Spirit to joy. The Holy Spirit gives us joy. And he is joy. Joy is the gift that sums up all the other gifts. It is the expression of happiness, of being in harmony with ourselves, which can only come from being in harmony with God and with his creation.

It is part of the nature of joy to spread, to be shared. The Church’s missionary spirit is nothing other than the drive to share the joy that has been given to us. May that joy always be alive in us, and thus shine forth upon our troubled world."  Pope Benedict XVI

Why I Love My Husband

Joining up with Kaitlin today!  :)

Today's reason for why I love Mike?  

These gross little buggers:

source

You see, the other night, I was sitting peacefully on the living room couch, much later than I probably should have been but Mike was on call and I was enjoying the quiet house.  Until I heard them.  Having a party in my wall, directly behind my head.  

Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.

I know we live in the woods.  And it's cold.  I know this.....but those little buggers are not allowed inside my house.  At all.

I told Mike about it and he took it upon himself to work on kicking them out.   The house perimeter was inspected.....traps were set.....and he waited for them to get caught.

So why is this my reason for loving him?   Because he doesn't expect me to do ANY of it.   I'm  a pretty independent girl but I tell you, I'm not at all a fan of mice.  Dead or alive.   So, he doesn't ask me to check the traps or empty them.  He doesn't ask me to crawl around the basement, looking for their little mouse doorway from the outside world.   He just does it.  Even when he's tired and post-call and has no desire to take care of it.  Without a mention to me or asking for help.

This boy's a keeper, y'all.

(and if you were curious, we caught a couple houseguests the first weekend the traps were out, but nothing in over a week, and there have been no more loud parties in our walls.   Fingers crossed we caught them in time!)

What I Wore Sunday - Kaleidoscope version

Hi all!

It's been a busy day here, but my favourite kind of busy:  Mass, lunch out with friends, a drive along the coast of Maine to enjoy the beautiful sunshine, and then home for a delicious dinner waiting for us in the crockpot.  

Hanging out again with the FLAP gang.  :)  

Business time! 

Alright, no further delays, here's the outfit:

don't mind the Wii mess behind me......I kind of forgot it was there, haha

The details:

I decided that it was 50º outside, goshdarnit, and I was going to dress for spring.  Even if I froze a little on the way to and from the car.   We Mainers are crazy like that.   Anywho, I was fine at Mass, so it all worked out.   Spring dresses, here I come!

This dress is sleeveless, which I don't like to do during Mass, so had to dig out a little sweater to go with it...this was the first time I wore either the dress or the sweater, so it took a little bit of getting used to.   My only real complaint?  It is a linen/cotton blend and wrinkled REALLY easily.  Add that to the sitting/standing/kneeling stuff during Mass, and, well.....my backside was permanently wrinkled, even though I ironed it before we left, and it kinda bothered me.   I'll have to reserve this dress for "mostly standing" events, I think.

Dress and sweater:  I picked them up at JC Penny's....have no clue what brand.  I forgot to look and the kids are heading to bed right now, so I don't want to be digging through my closet at the moment

Shoes:  good ol' Target again...

Mass grades:

Daylight savings time kind of did us in - the boys had to be woken up this morning (NEVER happens), and they were obnoxiously tired at Mass today.   I almost made them go apologize to Father for the obnoxious yawns and fidgeting from their place in the front pew.   Anywho, their grades:

Rascal #1:  B

Rascal #2:  B

Rascal #3:  C  (he insisted on sitting UNDER the pew for most of Mass, no matter how many times I pulled him out.  Sigh).

Now the fun part - I do a regular post here titled "Kaleidoscope."  Basically, just a compilation of random pictures that I want to share with friends and family....but have absolutely nothing to do with each other.   It's time for another one of those! :)  Enjoy!

From our drive today...somewhere along coastal Maine.  I love this state!

Rascal #2's latest bug poster

From our snow storm a few weeks ago - looking out our back door (heehee....totally singing CCR in my head right now)

The one and only picture I snapped on the silly carousel in our local mall before the carousel employee yelled at me because apparently photos and videos are not allowed.

Rascal #1 stole my phone

Boothbay Harbor - a stop on our drive today

an AWESOME house that's for sale that we found today - it's only $1million.  Who wants to go in on it with us?  ;)

The boys decorated their calendar for Good Friday.  <3

Alright, gotta run - have a great week, all!

Quick Takes...

Once again, hanging out with Jen on this awesome Friday!

1.  I'm actually writing these on Thursday night (look at me, being all productive!) because we have a kind of crazy day ahead of us on Friday.   I need to get a full day of schooling into the rascals, then get to a doctor's appointment for myself in the early afternoon, and get the big two rascals to their gym practice mid-afternoon.   Oh, and all of those things are about 30 minutes of driving apart from each other.....

2.  I'm a little nervous about the doctor's appointment, so if you can remember, say a prayer for me around 1:45 EST.    I finally gave in and scheduled an appointment after dealing with a fun myriad of symptoms for the past couple of months.   All you charters out there - give me some ideas to mention to her when it comes to tests to run or things to look into.   My symptoms:  extreme fatigue, a severe shortening of my luteal phase (from about 14 days to consistently 9 now), irritability, always cold, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and having a hard time focusing/concentrating.    Thoughts?   My thinking is to test for thyroid issues and/or anemia, and possibly mention progesterone.  She's not an NFP doc (but is NFP friendly and a fabulous doctor, overall), so I'm thinking I might have to suggest some things.  Mike's given me some suggestions....throw out some of your personal experiences, too....

3.  It's only been up for about 12 hours, but I'm already overwhelmed by the nice notes and messages I've received from this post.  You guys are so good to me.   Thank you.  I can't help but wonder if this wasn't all part of His plan in allowing the miscarriage - the connections that I've made, the number of people who have come up to me and said, "Thank you for sharing, I didn't think anyone out there felt the same way I did"......it feels so out of my control, and I'm so grateful for it.

4.  My poor rascals all are coughing tonight.  Poor guys.  :(  I hope it's not that they're coming down with something.....maybe we won't have to go to gym practice tomorrow after all.....

5.   Mike and I are giving our first joint NFP presentation at a marriage prep this weekend - pray for us! We'll be talking about the awesomeness of the Church's teaching on sex and marriage and just how amazingly awesome NFP is.    It's also a quick biology course and touches on the horrible, not-talked-about side effects of birth control.   To be honest, that's the part that makes me nervous.  Birth control has such a glorified (unfortunately) status in our society, and I want to teach and enlighten.....not offend.    It's a hard line to walk - I want to show these couples the beauty of NFP and the dark side of contraception....without ticking them off.   Pray for us and for the couples who will be there!

6.  How about ending with a few pictures?   This one is proof that Rascal #3 can actually sit still for awhile.  AND be quiet  (I know, it's hard to believe).  But here he is, doing both!!

7.   This one I snapped the other evening.  I call it "Proof for my future daughter-in-law that I did teach my son how to wash his own dishes."   He calls it "Allowance."

Have a great weekend, y'all!

On "moving on"

It's been a weird past few months.   I'd be lying if I said that the miscarriage didn't mess me up at all.  I think it would be safe to assume that it kind of tilted my whole world on edge....and it's hard to talk about that.   Since this wasn't our first miscarriage, I feel like there's a general consensus out there amongst our friends and family that I should be "over" it.   That we should be moving on with our lives, and not still thinking about our angel baby.

Maybe they're right.  Maybe I am "dwelling" on it too much, too long.   I don't know.   Maybe I should be popping some happy pills to stuff the quiet ache in my heart deep down where it can't come out.   Maybe I should stop talking about it.   Maybe they're right and I'm really in need of professional help.

But I can't help feeling that they're wrong.    That I'm supposed to be still thinking about my little baby, knowing that right about now, we'd have seen him on an ultrasound, we'd be getting ready to welcome him home in a few short months, that I'd be falling asleep at night to the kick-kick-kick of new life.   

I think people out there are worried about my mental and emotional state, and I think that's perfectly normal.   I'm usually the giggling one.   The happy one.   The one who doesn't bring her complaints and sadness and suffering to the forefront, and I think that's why everyone seems to be so worried about my random moments of sadness. 

I ran from it before  -  I would stuff it deep down and pretend it didn't happen.   I think that's why with this miscarriage, I ended up reliving my first one.   I'd never processed what had happened before - I'd never talked about it.  We weren't actively practicing our faith then, either, so I definitely didn't pray through it, the first time around.  

This time around is different.   I'm still happy....and I still feel gratitude for my blessings and joy in my daily life.  It's still there.   But at any given moment, I could respond that I'm just "okay" when you ask me how I am.   And there's no need to worry about that "okay-ness, " I promise.   I'm still sad about the fact that we lost a baby.....and that's okay.   I'm not too sad to get out of bed, and I've definitely not lost my joy in everyday things/activities.   But it's okay (I'd dare to say that it's healthy) to still be sad over the loss of our child.

There will be some days that are better than others - some days where the old, happy-giggly Heidi will be prominently displayed.   And there will be days - like this past Tuesday - where I'm just plain sad.   The days where I get asked, multiple times, if I'm pregnant again yet (the answer is no, and please, oh please, if I say no, DO NOT respond with "Are you sure?"  I can guarantee you that I'm sure).     The days where I wake up thinking about my baby and missing him, knowing full well that there will come a day when I do get to meet him, hold him, love on him as his mother.    I hope for that moment - but some days I am sad that I am not already in it.    

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that there is a reason that God allowed our Jonathan to go ahead of us into Heaven.  I hope that I will join him there someday, but until then, I find my joy in knowing that He has a plan for me, for my baby, and I trust that it is a brilliant plan filled with love for me.   This suffering, this sadness, this trial that I am currently in the midst of is not in vain - He is using it to purify me.    I never understood, before now, how someone could seem so joyful in the midst of suffering, or be grateful for their suffering (I used to think they were crazy), but I understand a little bit now.  Joy and happiness are not the same thing - happiness is creature/human comfort.  Happiness is difficult to obtain if you are suffering......joy, however, is always present as long as there is hope.  Hope in the suffering allows you to live a life of joy, even in the darkest, saddest moments.   

My suffering pales in comparison to some of the great people we've come to know throughout our short lives so far.   My suffering is definitely tiny compared to what He did for me.    I have nothing to complain about, but instead, am grateful that He has only given me this tiny bit of pain to experience.   I deserve so much more, considering what ways I have failed Him and still do on a daily basis.

I should be suffering so much more than I am right now, if it was based on my past (and present) sins.   But in His great mercy, He's given me just a touch of that pain, just a small portion of what I deserve.  For this, I am grateful.  I find hope in experiencing this mercy, this love, that He has given me.  Knowing this mercy, feeling His love through suffering, strengthens my hope in His promises.   

I have hope and joy, because of this suffering.   I know that He is leading me into a deeper relationship with Him - I experience that daily.   He is there, guiding me through this experience, and teaching me so many things that I would not have been receptive to 10 years ago.    He's allowing Jonathan to teach me a deeper love, a deeper joy, a deeper hope.    

It may seem to you that I'm not "okay," that maybe I'm teetering on some big old scary cliff of depression.   Maybe you're right - after all, the American way is to just swallow our emotions and keep barreling through.   I should be back to "normal," or perhaps already pregnant again, moving on from our baby and pretending that the miscarriage never happened.

But I invite you to look at it from my point of view - that sadness, that longing for my baby, is a source of joy, love, and hope in my life.    Consider that at times - no matter how counterintuitive this may seem - sadness and suffering is something to be grateful for.   

I'm grateful for this sadness.   There are days when my selfish human will seems to resist it - and I would venture that those are the moments of anger and "woe is me" sentiments - but this suffering, this sadness, is a gift.   

It's a gift I want to accept completely.  Please try to understand that.

The Boston Classic

This weekend was one of those that is actually really busy....but feels like a vacation.  The past two weeks had been really demanding, with Mike working lots of call shifts (which means he stays at the hospital and I'm on my own with the rascals), and traveling to and from Phoenix for surgical training.   I think we all needed a "weekend away," kids included!   The weekend away may have been a busy one full of sightseeing/homeschooling and gym meets, but it still was a break from the ordinary and felt like a mini vacation.

We headed down Saturday, prepared to explore the Freedom Trail.  I don't know how many of you have been to Boston before, but I think the Freedom Trail might be my most favourite tourism invention ever.   It seems so simple - a red line painted (or made out of red bricks) along the sidewalk - but is brilliant when it comes to controlling the tourist population.   As a tourist, it makes seeing the history of an otherwise very confusing city (pre-city engineering, I'm pretty sure) quite simple.   Stay on the red line......see all the important historical places!

Yummy Pad Thai in Quincy Market

We'd done a little mini unit on Paul Revere when talking about the American Revolution with Rascal #1 earlier this year.   I knew we'd have a meet in Boston at some point during the competition season, and I wanted to make the most out of our trip south.     Doing the entire Freedom Trail in one day would have been too much for our rascals (especially #3), so I focused solely on one character - Paul Revere.  The night before we left, I printed out an awesome Junior Ranger booklet from the National Park Service for each rascal, bound them in folders, and packed up crayons, pencils, and markers for all.

Working hard at Faneuil Hall

Drawing what they see at Paul Revere's house

A quick bite to eat at Quincy Market and a stop at Faneuil Hall to work on the workbook, and we were off to explore Paul Revere's house.   The kids had so much fun - doing the mini unit in advance was definitely a plus.   They knew what they were looking at, a general idea of what happened in each location, and a bit of the story of Paul Revere's life, so looking at the different exhibits meant quite a bit more to them.   It was fun for us all - even Rascal #3!    I think I fall in love with homeschooling a little bit more each day.....

Then it was off to check into our swanky hotel (seriously - one of the nicest hotels I've ever stayed in!), thanks to the fact that we're officially over the occupancy limit of most hotels and need to stay in a "suite" and can't afford the ones right inside the city.   It was a great room, and very close to our favourite restaurant (PF Chang's, woot!), as well as the meet site.   

Up and at 'em early the next morning, as the meet check-in started at 7:30.   When we got there, the observation seats were already crazy full - people had been getting there since before 7 am!   Future reference - get to the Boston Classic early!

Both boys had an awesome meet - we are very proud parents.  These are some of the strongest teams in all of New England, and a very fierce competition for our little Mainers.   They held their own - even medaling in a few of the events.   One more meet in a few weeks (State championship), and then their inaugural season will draw to a close!   Definitely happy with their interest in gymnastics - these are great guys that they're around, and we're very happy with the level of athleticism they're being taught, as well as the sportsmanship.  In gymnastics, it's just as important to show respect and class as it is to perform the actual athletic routines.    We appreciate that, as parents trying to raise gentlemen.

Enjoy the pictures!

The sea of 116 gymnasts

Rascal #2 was waiting for his turn to compete on his hardest event (pommel), and the team picked up on his nerves....

Rascal #1

Rascal #2

Rascal #1 and #2, waiting for their turns to compete.

Rascal #1

Rascal #2

Rascal #2

Rascal #2 - he had his best ever rings routine

Rascal #2

Rascal #1, getting ready for his best-ever high bar routine

Rascal #1

Same move, but Rascal #2

Such determination - Rascal #2 on the floor

Rascal #1 on the floor

They both had great meets, but Rascal #2 rocked this one - he did REALLY well!

Not our kiddos in the picture.....but proof that Nancy Kerrigan is at our meets, haha.    Her son competes against our boys - and she was asked to pass out the medals/awards yesterday

What I Wore Sunday

Hanging out with the gang at FLAP again today....check them out for more entertaining and creatively stimulating posts.  ;)

Just checking in super quickly today - I'll be back later.  We rushed home from a BIG gymnastics meet in Boston for Rascals #1 and #2, quickly threw nicer clothes on, and ran up to the 5 pm Sunday Mass at our parish.   Now I'm warming up a quick dinner (while blogging, look at those multitasking skills!), and will hopefully have the kiddos in bed within the hour.  There's a nice bottle of red wine waiting for Mike and I as we sort through 700 pictures from our weekend away.  I'll blog about that stuff tomorrow - there is a lot of good stuff there.  We spent Saturday doing a little homeschooling lesson/adventure on the Freedom Trail, and then all morning at a meet that the boys ROCKED today.   Whew!

Anywho, here's the outfit:

sorry it's a bit blurry - rascal #1 snapped it as we were loading the car

It's not my favourite combination - I'm not a fan of these boots with short skirts, but my go-to pants somehow ended up with a HUGE oil spot on the outer part of my knee (?!?!?!  Does that happen to anyone else?  I feel like I need to buy a bottle of Dawn dishsoap JUST for my clothing) and I didn't realize it until I went to put them on, and then I had negative 5 minutes to get changed and into the car to get to Mass, and well.....this is what I ended up wearing.

Sweater, skirt, and boots are all LL Bean (I'm a Maine girl now, I guess)

tights - Target

Mass grades for the rascals:

#1 - B.  He struggled with being tired I think - he was doing anything he could think of to stay awake...yawning obnoxiously, fidgeting, asking questions that weren't related to Mass.

#2 - A.  This child is my future priest, methinks.   

#3 - A-   I would have given him a straight A if it weren't for a VERY loud "Rascal #1 won the race!!!!" as the big rascals and Mike walked back into the pew after helping with the collection baskets. 

Have a great night, all!