Monday, May 13, 2013

Well, that was an interesting weekend...

For all of you who don't believe in spiritual weekend might convince you.

While Mike was off having a beautiful, Holy Spirit-filled weekend with the two oldest rascals, I was at home, wrestling with demons that I thought I'd successfully battled and won months ago.

And then the outside attacks started coming....

...attacks on our adoption, calling into question whether or not we *should* even be adopting - that our "motivations" weren't good enough and we were being selfish by wanting to grow our family in this manner.

...attacks directed toward Peter's birth parents, calling them monsters for giving up their child for adoption and not "making it work."   Monsters who were giving me a chance to be a mother and giving their child the chance to receive life-saving medical treatment and care. 

...attacks on my emotional state - having it pointed out time and time again that this Mother's Day should have been when we were welcoming little Jonathan home.  Maybe I've never noticed them in Mother's Days past, but it seemed to be that everywhere I turned, there was another message or meme about "Praying for those struggling with miscarriage on this Mother's Day" in my face.  I know they were intended to be compassionate and not ever intended to hurt, but, well, they hurt.  BADLY.   Of course, no one else probably remembers when my due date was.  No one else probably realized that this Mother's Day was supposed to be one of little onesies and new baby smells.   But the emotions it stirred up were raw and painful.   

....coming to the realization that the friend who I'd described as my best friend (in the very recent past) was not at all the person that I thought she was, and the pain and heartache that comes with that.  The utter sadness of the realization that I was not being supported - at all - in the way that I thought I had been

....the exhaustion of caring for one child who was also struggling with being the only one

....the fear of knowing that I needed to finally step out of my internet bubble and do the one thing that introverts hate the most:  socializing.   Internet friends are wonderful and so necessary for introverts like me...but real-life friends and experiences are needed, too.   (Yes, I recognize the irony of this post and that statement.  I'm working on it).

It was a long, hard, lonely weekend.    Issues that I thought I'd put to rest months, even years ago, reared their ugly heads.   All that work I did to try and change my habits and fight the temptations eventually got thrown out of the window, and Saturday night, I found myself devouring Thai food like there was no tomorrow and crying while reading one Mother's Day blog after another and realizing that this Mother's Day was being completely overshadowed by all of the negativity and pain swirling in my heart.    So, of course, being the good mother that I am, this led to MORE emotional eating as I worried about ruining Mother's Day for the rascals by being too sad and too upset and not happy enough or not appreciative enough.     It was fun, I tell you.

It also meant hardly any sleep for me this weekend, so I'm starting the week on very low energy levels (and horrible food choices thanks to emotionally eating my way through the weekend, which means I feel gross, anyway).    I took a nap as soon as Mike got home with the big boys, but I'm still dragging.  Trying to detox today with healthy food and tea and prayer, but I could use a few extra hands with today's rebound.

So, if you don't mind my shameless plea, would you please pray for me today?   My heart is aching with disappointment and pain, emptiness and sorrow.   Today's one of my favourite feast days - Fatima - so please, say a rosary for me or one of the Fatima prayers.   I'd appreciate it more than you would ever know.

Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us!

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