The Great Confession

*cough cough*

Hi.

I've been MIA for quite awhile now.   I'm sorry.   Multiple times over the past month and a half, I've sat down at the computer to write, and couldn't find the words.   It's been a month and a half on the front seat of an emotional roller coaster, and I've been unable to put all that is in my head on this computer screen.   There is still so much that I want to say, and cannot just yet.  More miscarriage stuff.   More adoption stuff.   The death of a very dear friend just before Christmas.   Parenting stuff.  Homeschooling stuff.  Updates on the boys.  All of this and so much more.......and to be honest, I'm just not ready.  

But I'm here today to make a confession.  Not about any of that - although I probably should - but about something else.

You see, I had a physical today.  Part of our adoption paperwork includes medical clearances - and it only has a "shelf life" of a year.  We're quickly approaching the expiration date on these clearances, and so Mike and I have had to go around, collecting all of these documents again - we've been getting poked and prodded all over again.   

This includes getting weighed.

On a doctor's scale.

The "moment of truth."

It was not a good moment.   

I knew that I'd gained some of my weight back after losing almost 40 pounds during 2011-2012.   My clothes were snug again.   I even knew exactly how it happened - pretty much from the moment Mike signed on the dotted line to accept his new job in Maine, I stopped paying attention to what I ate and drank and how much I exercised.

And, man, did it come back to bite me.

I am embarrassed to say that in the past 6 months, I gained back half of what I had lost.  

TWENTY POUNDS.

This is not good, y'all.   This is not okay.   Yes, we had a lot of crazy transitions, a lot of emotions, a lot of stress.  Yes, we had a pregnancy thrown in there that led to a lot of nausea and not-so-fun food moments.   My weight gain is understandable.

But it is not acceptable.

I know how to fix this.  I know where I went wrong - and I know exactly how I had so much success over the previous two years.   I know that I can lose that weight again and get myself back into a better position to grow our family, both through the adoption and biologically.     I know I can do better.

And so, right here, right now, I'm confessing my weight gain to you all.  I'm confessing my laziness and lack of discipline over the last 6 months.  

That time period is over with.    

Nunc coepi!

Now I begin!

Watching the rain...

I know, I know...it's been almost a month since my last post.  Go ahead, yell at me!  ;)  I did update the adoption blog  a few weeks ago, so it's not like I've been completely silent, but....oh well.  

I've sat down to write a post probably 30 times since my last update, but every time I've hit delete before publishing.   Today, however, seems like a day to write:  it's chilly (not cold, but chilly enough to have the heater on), dark and rainy outside, and there's a delicious-smelling turkey in the oven.  I'm listening to the sounds of my rascals playing with Legos up in Rascal #1's bedroom, and the plip-plop of the rain on the roof, enjoying a cup of hot tea....and finally sitting down to write.

If you're looking for a "happy-go-lucky, Heidi's going to share cute pictures of the boys" kind of post, this probably isn't going to be it.   You see, the reason why I've been deleting, not publishing each of the earlier editions of this entry is because of just that:  it's depressing.  There's a reason that a rainy day seems totally appropriate for finally sitting down and writing what I've been thinking and feeling:  it's quite "Eeyore-ish."    My life is wonderful - I often feel like I'm one of those "You wish your life was a great as you make it seem on Facebook" t-shirts.   The boys are healthy.  We spend most of our days enjoying being together, with lots of laughter and cuddling.     Mike's job is wonderful - his schedule is much more family-friendly, the paychecks are finally paying the bills, and the office and community have been incredibly supportive and welcoming.    We're back in a house that I love - every little thing about this house I adore.  It's my home.  

So why do I have any reason to be glum or depressed?   I don't really.   And so......the lack of posts.

How do you write about a feeling or experience that just doesn't make sense?   I have so many amazing things to be thankful for.  So many blessings.  So many things that I know others would love to have or experience.    How could I even begin to write something that's going to make it seem like I don't appreciate those blessings?   Because I do.   I truly do.  I know God has heaped tremendous blessings upon me.....and I am so grateful.    So, every time I started to think my writing was delving into the depressed realm....I trashed it.    Who did I think I was, to throw all of those blessings right back to God, without a token of gratitude?

So I'd write and write and write....and delete.

I'm going to bite the bullet and hit publish today.  Maybe.  We'll see.   If you're reading this....enjoy.  ;)  Who knows?  Maybe there's someone out there that can offer me a word or two of advice.  A book to read.  A Scripture passage.  A hug.  Who knows - maybe there's someone out there who feels the same way and is also trying to hold it inside because of the fear I'm feeling.   I don't know.  All I know is that the rain outside is lulling me into a sense of safety, and I need to write.

You see, I'm struggling.   Like I said, I'm so grateful for everything that I've been given.  But I'm struggling.   I have three amazingly beautiful, wonderful children......and yet there's an indescribable ache for more.   As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.  A large family wasn't a requirement, but as I've gotten further and further into my motherhood journey, the desire for more than 2.1 children has gotten stronger and stronger.    I know there are quite a few of you who don't understand why someone would ever want to commit to never being able to drive a sedan but be regulated to a E-150.....but try to imagine it with me.    That's the life I long for:  a full dinner table....the stereotypical "Catholic family."   

And it seems that the past few years.....my dream of a large family has been crushed again and again.   Health problems.   A miscarriage.  A significant adoption delay (probably a year).   Adoption opportunity after adoption opportunity falling apart.  It seemed like every time we started to move forward with increasing our family size - filling those empty spots at the dinner table or in the car - the door was getting slammed back in our face.   Every time it seemed like we were moving forward....the new family member was ripped out of hands.

I look around and I see friends having babies.   Friends announcing pregnancies.   Friends meeting their adoptive child for the first time.  Friends getting approved to adopt a child.   Friends bringing home children.....I'm surrounded by pictures of them.   Phone calls from friends, wondering if they're pregnant.   Emails from friends, announcing the birth of a child.   Pictures on my phone.  Pictures on my Facebook.  Pictures in my email.

Babies, babies everywhere.    

But  none of them are mine.

And I struggle.  I struggle with pain of seeing joy on everyone's faces, watching them revel in the one thing that I wish I had.    I struggle with the bitterness of an empty crib, still in its box, when we hoped it would be filled by now.   I struggle with mustering up the joy and excitement to respond to the friend who just had a home study approved.  I struggle with jealousy and envy as I go shopping for yet another "Congratulations on your new baby" card and gift.    I struggle with the fear of being a failure.   I hear the voices in the back of my mind (and sometimes in front of me, through the Starbuck's barista), chastising me for not being a "good enough" mother.  That, obviously, if I was a better mom, God would have let at least ONE of these opportunities lead to welcoming another child into our family.   I struggle with a fear of inadequacy.  A fear of failure.  

I escape into another book.   I try so hard to fight the tears.  The anger.  The depression.   I fold yet another load of laundry and try to focus on the laughter in the next room.   I put down the laundry and go sit on the floor with the little rascals, designing my own Lego car...in an attempt to shake the sadness and "be present to the moment."    But the moment I return to my silent room with the piles of laundry...or the moment the house is filled with only the snores of sleeping children.....or I catch a glimpse of the unopened "nursery" box while running to grab something out of the basement.....the pain hits me like a tidal wave.     I'm once again sinking in an ocean of pain, of confusion, and darkness.   Why is this dream being crushed, over and over again?

Why another miscarriage?

Why another delay in bringing Peter home?

The questions just echo again and again in my mind, feeling like little knives being stabbed into my already bleeding heart.

So I try to escape into the virtual world.  I sign onto Facebook, hoping for a cheap laugh from another silly meme, or a thrilling debate to distract my mind with.    And I see another newborn picture.   Or another visit to an orphanage to meet a child.   Another smiling family, welcoming their newest member.

And those evil, nagging voices with their daggers return.    I'm not a good enough mom to be trusted with more children.   I'm obviously failing in my vocation.   I mean, come on, I can't even focus on the goodness that's in front of me.  I'm obviously a greedy, selfish, ungrateful woman who can't be expected to care for another child.   So I turn off the computer and try to focus on the book Rascal #2 wants to try and read to me.  I try to memorize his smile - he'll never be this age again.   

So the beating myself up continues.   Not only am I now an ungrateful, selfish person....I'm losing the opportunity to be truly present to my life.   It never ends.   I write and write and write about it....try to pray...try to give it to Him and just trust in His plan.

And I fail.  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

I just can't seem to let go.    I want to give it to Him.  I want to trust in His plan for our family.

So I write.  And I cry.

And I try again.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

–Thomas Merton

Quick Takes: Homeschooling (in pictures) edition

It's been awhile since our last homeschooling update, so I thought I'd appease the grandparents and offer, for their enjoyment (and yours!), this edition of Quick Takes.....make sure to go visit Jen for more!

1.   I'll start off with an art project/science project series.  We had a bajillion broken crayons laying around the house, so we peeled all of that pesky paper off of all of them and melted them down into cool "swirly" crayons (Rascal #2 named them), while talking about primary/secondary colours and the concept of melting.....

Hard labour.  ;)

Excitedly watching...

Using the finished product (Rascal #3 creating a Memory-style game)

2.   A few weeks ago, the Rascals went on a weekend adventure to Nanny and Poppy's house.   While there, Uncle Tony took them on a tour of the greenhouse he works at, and they got to learn about all kinds of fun things.   Interesting things like:  how do they make their own potting soil?   How do you care for certain kinds of plants?   How do you know what amount of each plant to grow?  and so on.....they had a BLAST!

3.   This last week, we had a fun engineering project that we had to complete.  Mike and I managed to score an awesome playground structure at a great price, but with one catch:  we had to put it together ourselves.  While this was NOT fun, the boys had a blast helping to figure out the directions and learning how to use tools.  We'll call it math/engineering/AND shop class all in one!

4.  One of the great things about homeschooling is that we can focus on what they truly love to do, and really individualize each of the boy's education.   Rascals #1 and #2 LOVE gymnastics, and thanks to a school day that requires MUCH less time than traditional schooling, they're able to spend many hours each week at our local gym.   Both of them will be competing for the first time this year, and we just received their competition uniforms.   They were excited to try them on, and I was quite shocked at how professional they looked!  Insta-gymnast!

5.  We may live in a town that's officially a "village," but we have the best village library around!  The rascals LOVE going, and I love that it produces many, many moments that look like this:

He's such a good big brother!

6.  Best investment we made for this school year?   Teaching Textbooks.  Without a doubt, this program has made math time with Rascal #1 so.very.much.easier.  He's being challenged with it (we started him at the 4th grade level, even though he's technically in 3rd grade), but is excelling.   For our little boy who LOVES the chance to be on the computer and his mommy who's NOT ready for him to spend any time online....this is the perfect compromise.  He's thrilled that he's the only one who gets to spend time at the computer....and I'm thrilled that math is no longer a fight!

7.  Last homeschooling update for today is about Rascal #2.   Now our middle rascal has a bit of a challenging personality.  He will not attempt to do ANYTHING in front of ANYONE (including Mom and Dad) if he thinks he might fail.   Even as a baby, we'd catch him practicing his words in his crib thanks to our handy-dandy baby monitor for weeks before he'd say it in front of us.   He's a perfectionist, through and through.   In some ways, this is great (this child can make a mean bed!)...but with homeschooling, it has presented as quite a struggle.  It's hard to teach a child who refuses to make a mistake.

Enter in this book.   I'll admit, teaching Rascal #2 how to read was terrifying to me.   Not only did I not remember learning to read and was scared I wouldn't be able to relate to my rascals, but his perfectionist personality just screamed "DIFFICULT!" when I thought about it.    This book has been the answer for us.  It moves VERY slowly (we only do 3-5 tasks per lesson each day, so it usually takes us a week to finish each of these "easy" lessons), but this is good for my rascal.   Moving slowly allows him to fully master each step.  One day, he's going to pick up a chapter book and read it all to us, flawlessly, I'm convinced.  Today, however....he read this:

Perfectly.   Without any prompting from me, or any stumbling over words.  This book rocks, y'all!

And with that.....our Thanksgiving break begins!

Hey, hey, we're the Monkees.....

....or something like that.

Ever hear a song on the radio and have your breath taken away?   One of those moments where you just know that the songwriter was channeling your innermost thoughts and fears and dreams while penning a song?

Do you feel like you have a "theme" song?

For me, this is it:

How about you?  What's your theme song?

An Open Letter to My Children

The first thing that a person finds in life and the last to which he holds out his hand, and the most precious that he possess, even if he does not realize it, is family life.  Blessed Adolph Kolping

"The history of mankind, the history of salvation, passes by way of the family. The family is placed at the center of the great struggle between good and evil, between life and death, between love and all that is opposed to love." Blessed Pope John Paul II

Dearest Rascals,

The other night, your father and I went to see one of our favourite Catholic speakers, Dr. Ray Guarendi.   You know this, of course, as you got to have a babysitter and all of the fun and bending of house rules that comes with that.   It was  a good night for all.

I've been mulling over quite a bit that Dr. Ray shared with us last Friday night, as I tend to do with any new information that I've been given.   Most frequently, the anecdotes he shared with us about his own father kept coming to mind.   The focus for these little stories was discipline strategies and techniques, but the one "theme" that Dr. Ray kept returning to, over and over again, was that his knew just how much his father loved his children.  In his words, which I will paraphrase, discipline worked for his father because the children knew that he "loved them desperately."   Over and over again, Dr. Ray spoke of his own father's "desperate love" for his children.

I realized that I wanted to make sure that you knew, too, just how much you were loved and cherished. It sometimes feels like we're the odd family out - high expectations, discipline, faith-based family life, and so on.     I hope, however, that you will be able to see....just like Dr. Ray did.....that all of this is done out of a burning love for you.   Love, defined as wanting the ultimate good for the other person, is the basis of every single decision your father and I make.

We probably don't say it enough.  We probably don't tell you enough just how much we love you.  How  your ultimate good - happiness with God in Heaven - is the reason for everything we do.  We will try to say this more often, both in our words and our actions.   Let me begin by starting here.

You three - and soon to be four - rascals are our gift from God.  He has blessed us abundantly by placing you in our lives, and we will be forever grateful for this blessing.   You are beautiful little boys, made in the image and likeness of our Creator.   You shine with joy and love, and it is a brilliant, radiant light.  

Our job, as your parents, is not to cushion you from the outside world, or throw you to the evils that can be found within it.   We love you too much to do either of those.   Our job, as your parents, is to be your primary source of education.  Our job, as your parents, is to pass the truth of the Catholic faith on to you.   This is hard, it is scary, and we often fail.   But we will love you desperately through all of it.

The world out there is scary.   It is filled with temptation and evil.   It is hard to become the saint that each of us is called to become, when you are constantly being torn down or tempted by society and culture.    Our job, as your parents, is to help you grow strong in your faith, to know your own Christian humanness, and to strive for holiness for each and every one of you.   It's a daunting job.....but one that we accept because we love you.   We truly and completely want to see you  enjoying happiness in paradise someday.

So if there comes a time when we've fallen from a peak into one of those natural valleys of family life, please come back to this letter.   We love you.  Desperately.  We only want what is truly best (Heaven) for you.   Everything we do and decide - - from discipline to education to house rules - - is based on this one goal and undying love.  Remember that.

Especially about 10 years from now when you are all teenagers.  Please.

Love you always Rascals,

Mommy

Quick Takes - Finally!

I'm finally catching back up over here and joining Jen again for our Friday quick takes - make sure to check out her blog for more fun!


Alright, here goes!


1.  I am very grateful to Apple for a fun little feature on my not-so-new-but-new-to-me cell phone.  What is it, you wonder?   IT DOESN'T TELL ME HOW LONG UNTIL  MY ALARM WILL GO OFF!   I already know that I don't get enough sleep.  My old Droid used to tell me, once the alarm was set, that it was set for "X" number of hours from now, and I would get so depressed at how little sleep I  was getting.   So, thank you, Apple, for not torturing me like that.

2.  We went trick-or-treating on Wednesday night with the rascals (exhibit A below).  It was hilarious.  Rascal #3 kept going from house-to-house, showing each house what the previous one had given him.   He just did not understand why that was rude.   Oh, to be a three year old again!  

Exhibit A

3.  We joined the local YMCA the other day.   Vacation (or: moving and being pregnant) is officially over.   Need to get back on track with diet and exercise before I have to buy bigger clothes.   Wish me luck!  Also:  any workout suggestions?   I love running, but looking to branch out a bit......

4.   We lost power for a couple of days this week, thanks to Hurricane Sandy.  I'm not complaining - it was warm, I didn't have much food in the fridge/freezer to lose since we'd just moved, and it wasn't cold enough to be chilly inside the house.   It did lead to very funny conversations.  My favourite?  When Rascal #3 exclaimed very very excitedly "THE POWER IS BACK ON!!  I CAN FLUSH NOW WHEN I PEE AND POOP!"  hahahahaha

5.  Homeschooling is going well around here.  I *think* we've figured out our logistical changes of going from a house with an awesome school room to a much smaller house.   We're back into our groove (yay!), and the boys are doing well.   Rascal #3 is going to a preschool two mornings a week now, which is working really well for the big boys.   Now, just have to figure out how to answer the "Why aren't you in school today?" questions from curious people when we're out and about......How do you handle it?

6.   I bought a beef brisket the other day.   Any good recipes out there?  I can't remember the last time I made brisket..........

7.   This week contained a few firsts for us:  the best one was being "set up" twice.  Once by a hermit and once by a priest.  haha.   Both times, we were introduced to people that we should "become friends with," and I'm quite happy to say that both matches seemed to have worked.  I just think it's funny.......

Okay, enough rambling and back to running errands!!

Everybody has a job to do..

Before I start, I wanted to take a minute to say THANK YOU to everyone who's messaged or emailed me about this or this post.  I cannot even begin to put into words how much this experience has blessed me and Mike.  Your thoughts, your shared experiences, your prayers.....all of that is so overwhelming and humbling to me.  For a couple of posts that I didn't even think were that well-written, the response has been incredible.  I am so grateful to all of you who shared it with a friend, or took the time to tell me how my words touched you.   In the midst of my grief, God has blessed me abundantly.   I am so grateful.

I'm still processing everything that has happened over the past few weeks, and right at this moment, we're dealing with the clean up from Hurricane Sandy.  We were blessed to not have a direct hit up here in Maine, and are praying fervently for those who were in her direct path, but we do still have a lot of clean up in our neck of the woods.  We're going on day 3 with no power, and our yard is a mess.   Thankfully, our only damage is some denting to one of our cars (hit by a falling tree limb), so the majority of what we are dealing with is minor annoyances.    No electricity during a blizzard is a bit more dangerous than what we have right now:  60º temps, so we are just camping out and counting our blessings, while continuing to pray for those who are truly struggling with storm damage and clean up.

I was asked recently to share our "chore chart" system, so today's post is going to be just that.  It's light and fun (especially for Mommy and Daddy), and I think it's a good time to share.  A bit of a breather from the "heavy" stuff, if you will.

Anywho, a couple of years ago, I realized that I was frantically trying to do too much around the house, and had a few able bodies who were at the right age for "life skills training."   Our chore chart system was born, and with a few modifications, it's the same one that we use today.   We started when our oldest was 6 (and the youngers were 5 and 2).  Now, the boys are 8, 6, and 3, and it works like a charm!

Here's the basic concept:  I have a list of chores that I "draw" from.  They range in difficulty and frequency, and I try to make sure the majority of them are ones that everyone can do (I do have some that only the big boys can handle, but the bulk of them are ones that everyone can do).   These are chores that I don't *mind* if they're not done exactly to my liking - I learned quickly that if I gave a child a chore to accomplish but would be really upset if it wasn't done to my standards.....it would backfire.  I'd end up being annoyed that it wasn't done "well" and the boys would quickly lose their confidence in their ability because I'd find myself correcting them constantly.  

Each day, I draw 3 chores for each child and place it on their chart, in the "to-do" column.  Some are chores that happen every day (like making their beds and feeding the dogs), and some are ones that happen on a less frequent basis.    Whatever the chores are, each boy is responsible for 3 of them each day.

I do not nag with these chores.   They have a day to complete their 3, and if they don't, they do not get rewarded.  I will sometimes give them a block of time after dinner as "chore" time, if I'm feeling nice.  ;)

When the chore is completed, the boys move the magnet with that chore's name on it into the "done" column.   At the end of the day, I check to see if they've finished their chores, and if so, I add a tally mark in their "bank" (also on the chore chart).   At the end of the week, I count up the tally marks and pay allowances accordingly.   7 tally marks is equal to one dollar, and if there are less than 7 marks, I prorate the dollar based on their work completed.

It works for us!   Live runs more smoothly than it did before, and the boys LOVE having a way to earn their own spending money.   

So, I present to you, our chore chart.....in pictures:

The finished chore chart - I used to use a piece of posterboard and velcro, but when we moved, I had to condense it a bit (we have less wall space here).   This is a piece of plywood with picture hardware on the back (the sawtooth kind), and magnets.  I painted it in chalkboard paint to make it more fun, but the same thing can be done with just regular paint)

A close up of a sampling of daily chores - these are just piece of cardstock with clip art printed onto them, and magnets glued to the back

My stash of chores to pull from - I keep it on the fridge, out of reach of little hands

our system in use