Why I Love My Husband - Take 2

Joining up with Kaitlin again today.  :)  Come on, you know you want to, too!

Today I love my husband because he takes the time to have fun.   He's the "fun" parent - Mommy is the cleaner/cooker/nurturer.    The boys come to me if they fall and need a hug.....they go to him if they want to play outside.

I love my husband because last night, he started a Wii bowling tournament with the kiddos that led to LOTS of laughs, smiles, and happy memories.

He's the memory creator.   For that I'm grateful.  :)

What I Wore Sunday and Mass Grades, explained....volume 1

Joining up with the gang over at Fine Linen and Purple finally.....I've been meaning to do this for awhile, and decided Lent was a good time to start.  Enjoy!  

*****

We've been working on getting the boys to understand just how special Mass is for us Catholics - how important it is and how amazingly special it is to be there - with Jesus truly present in the Eucharist.   We've got rascals who are getting ready to make their First Holy Communion this year (and next year), and Mike and I are trying hard to teach them what exactly that means.   Part of that teaching/educating has to come from our own actions and examples, we've decided.

So how do we do that?  It's a bit daunting.  I mean, come on, we both just *really* began to understand the Mass ourselves in the last ten years or so.  We were late to the party, you could say.    How do we reflect what we know to be true about the liturgy to little boys who aren't quite able to grasp conceptually what is going on (although Rascal #1 is there, I'm sure of it)?  

Well....we show them.  With our actions.  With our behaviour.  With the way we dress.  With the way we participate.   We can't put it into words that they'll understand just yet - - but we can help them *know* it by showing them what we believe in our actions.   A picture is worth a thousand words, right?   Actions speak volumes, right?   

Over the past year, we started "grading" the boys on their behaviour at Mass.  In turn, they get to "grade" our behaviour.  Did we show respect in our actions?  In our participation?  Were we reverent with our body language at Mass?  Were we respectfully quiet when God was talking to us through the Scripture readings?   All of this factors into our "Mass grade," and then Mike and I grade the boys using the same criteria.  It's not actually recorded in a gradebook somewhere, but since they all get graded on their lessons (and understand what those grades mean), this puts our expectations into a concept that they all can understand.  It's sort of turned into a Facebook joke, but we truly believe it helps the boys understand what we do at Mass....and why.   It's not just a passing comment - it's a chance to discuss what is happening at Mass and why we do what we do, as Catholics.

Recently, we've taken it a bit further, discussing our clothing choices.   Why do we take the time to make our family look as presentable as possible - even though it often leads to chaos getting out of the door?  (you know, those moments when you realize that Rascal #3 put his church shirt on BEFORE brushing his teeth and now has a neon blue streak up his arm from where he wiped his mouth?).    What we choose to present to the world (and Jesus) reflects what we really think on the inside....are we showing Him just how much we love Him and wish to worship Him with our clothing choices?

I've been meaning to join in on this link-up for awhile, but often forget to snap a picture when we get back home from Mass (before just isn't going to happen....see the toothpaste example above!), and by then, I'm rushing to get lunch on the table before Rascal #3 faints of starvation because he's wasting away, obviously......and the picture never gets taken.   However, we've really been focusing on this concept around here, and it's finally time to join in.    I encourage you to do the same!   Think about what you wear to Mass (or church if you're not Catholic), and share it!   

The Holy Spirit kind of forced me into starting today for one very fun reason:  we went out for breakfast after Mass today, and the waitress gave the boys cups of crayons and paper to colour on while they were preparing our meal.    Rascal #3 decided to take that opportunity to draw a picture of what Mommy wore to Church......complete with the description that I was falling on the ice outside of Mass (yes, it's true) in the picture.  Sigh.   These rascals definitely keep me humble.  ;)

Sigh...Mommy at Mass, falling on the ice

Don't mind the double chins....Mike snapped the picture just as I laughed.  Humility is a virtue, right?  ;)

I'm not much of a fashionista, so the outfits aren't going to be exciting, but I try.  ;)

Skirt:  New York and Company

Cardi, cami, top, tights, and shoes: Target.  What can I say?  I'm a one-stop-shop kind of girl.   YOU try shopping for clothes with three little boys in tow!  haha

Mass Grades:

Rascal #1:  A

Rascal #2: A +

Rascal #3: B (would've been an A if he didn't try to curl up and fall asleep so many times on the pew, complete with overly dramatic YAAAWWWNNNNSSSS.  You'd think we kept him up all night or something!)

Kaleidoscope....

I'm one exhausted introvert, after a week of appointments** and meetings, so bear with me as I take the easy way out of blogging and leave you with a picture post.  I'm off of Facebook for Lent, so I think most of these are new to most of you.   Not quite as easy to share our silly moments here at the house without that ever-so-easy "Share to Facebook" button to use!  

Here you have it - a glimpse into the Circus tent:

Oh, rascal #3....you never fail to crack me up

Just practicing his Latin counting...

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater

Mardi Gras might just be my favourite day of the year.....yummmmm jambalaya

Reason #2 for Mardi Gras joy:  hurricanes.  YUM.

The big boys made a great poster (thanks to my friend Cathy) - they'll add stones, forming a path to the cross, every time they perform some sort of sacrifice throughout Lent.

We tried a new recipe this week, subbing veggie broth for chicken broth - it's a "Panera" broccoli cheese soup.  It was delicious!  You can find the recipe here.

We scored some prickly pear fruit at the store this week, and after a minor mishap in peeling said fruit (OW!), we enjoyed some of the most delicious homemade juice ever!   Definitely made AZ feel a bit closer this week...

Rascal #1 made me a valentine.  :)

I had to leave you on a funny one.  Harry, our hamster, doesn't appear to like Mike that much - he sees Mike coming, and he contorts himself into this tube in an attempt to protect himself from Mike.  haha.  Mike has to lure him out with pieces of food in order to help the kiddos clean out Harry's cage......this hamster's a rascal!

** Thank you for all of the prayers this week - all of our appointments went well.  We won't know more about Rascal #3's echocardiogram for awhile, but it appears that nothing serious is going on.  We will keep you all updated!

Why I Love My Husband - take 1

Joining Kaitlin today - and hopefully every Monday! - in her mission to " to reject a culture that says it's acceptable to tear down your husband," one blog post at a time....

I've also found myself incredibly saddened when I find a group of women - or even just one woman - trashing their husbands, or using him as a butt of a joke.  It's all over Facebook, it happens at playdates, or moms nights outs....wherever women congregate.   It's almost like we have to build ourselves up by tearing down the ONE person we're supposed to love and cherish above all others.  I've written about it before, here.  

So, I'm joining Kaitlin.   These posts aren't intended to "prove" to the world that Mike and I have a perfect marriage (we don't), or that our family is perfect (it's not).  It's my attempt to celebrate the strengths of a man I love, let him know that he's appreciated, and thank God for the blessing of him in my life.  

*******

Why I love my husband - Take 1!

Today, I love Mike because he works hard.  His dedication and commitment to providing for our family is the reason why I'm still in my pajamas on a Monday morning at 9:30,  getting the last few things organized before starting our schooling for the day.

I am 100% aware of the fact that I am blessed - DAILY - with the opportunity to stay home and care for the boys (and homeschool) only because of Mike's ability to care of our temporal needs.   

Today, I love my husband because he shows us he loves us every day - by going to work when he's tired, or when he doesn't feel motivated to work, or when the weather's not so great.   He shows us his love by providing for our needs.

I'm grateful.

Quick Takes

I know, I know, it's a day late, but I'm finally joining Jen again and doing quick takes.  

1.   We're snowed in up here in Maine, so I'm enjoying it.  Our life has been so "go-go-go" since we moved back East,  I've found it very hard to justify sitting in front of the computer and blogging.   Spending quality time with my kiddos has been higher up on the priority list, which means the blog has suffered from a bit of neglect.   Now I have NO excuse - we've been stuck inside for two days now with no way to get out (yay!)..........and the kids are happily building a fort in the playroom, after plenty of Mom and Dad time.  

2.   Guess what, fellow Catholics.  Lent starts this week.  Doesn't that seem crazy?  It seem so early this year, but I'm pretty sure we say that every year.   We're just coming down from the high of Christmas season, and it seems a bit daunting to be thrown right into a season of fasting and repentance.  I'm actually really excited about it.  I'm feeling very challenged with Lent this year - like I'm being called to really focus this Lent and challenge myself to go further than any other Lent before.   

3.  Which brings me to the "theme" of today's quick takes:  my Lenten plan.  I spent an hour in Adoration the other night, and brought my journal.   I asked Him what He wanted from me this Lent, and, well.......He didn't disappoint (of course!).   He let me have it, the good and the bad.  

4.  I'm a part of a fantastic online Catholic Moms group, and one of the things we do every year is participate in a "saint" and a "virtue" of the year (if you want -it's not forced upon anyone).   I always enjoy this practice - I'm kind of "saint illiterate" and enjoy the opportunity to grow in knowledge of the saints.  The virtue of the year is always a challenge - we're asked to learn about our virtue, reflect upon it, and strive to grow in that virtue throughout the coming year.   It definitely pushes you out of your comfort zone, if you let it.    This year's saint for me (St. Gerard Majella) and virtue (mortification) was definitely hand-picked for me by the Holy Spirit.  On Wednesday, when I sat there in Adoration, I realized just how much, and how much this Lent was going to challenge me to grow.  

  We all know how hard the past few months have been on me with the miscarriage and all.   While it's been incredibly difficult and I've been struggling with depression, I'm starting to see some glimmers of hope.   St Gerard has been an amazing go-to guy for me - there's a reason he's been my "saint of the year" I'm sure.   I have no doubt that this Lent is going to build upon what I've already learned during this miscarriage experience, and my guess is that it's going to be built upon my virtue for the year: mortification.   I'm realizing, through the past few months, how joy-filled suffering can really be.   I've experienced incredible Love already, and I'm realizing how much more I yearn for Him.   I don't want to be pulled down by the "trappings" of this world - I want to live for the next world.   

5.  So this Lent, I'm hopeful and excited.  And ambitious.   The season of Lent has three "pillars" built into it in the Catholic Church:  prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.  The other night, while listening to Him, I realized just how much I tend to ignore two of those. Not this year.  I have a plan for each of the pillars.   First up - prayer.   I'd admit - I'm way ahead on this one.....if you compare me to the Heidi of ten years ago.  I'm nowhere near where I should be - it's easy to convince myself that I'm "too busy" to pray......or leave it for late at night and fall asleep while attempting to pray.    This has to change.  My life should revolve around Him...and it can't if I'm not talking to Him.    My plan for this Lent regarding prayer?   Make it front and center of our daily home life.    I'll listen to St. Josemaria and conquer that "heroic minute" - the moment my alarm clock goes off.   I'll actually get up and spend that time before the kids wake up in prayer and with my spiritual reading (I've got a couple of books sitting on my bedside table already).    The kids and I will pray the Angelus at noon, and we'll make it a point to end our day with a family rosary.  Prayer must be the backbone of our daily life.

6.  Almsgiving:  another one that I've often ignored.  It's easy to avoid this one if you're already throwing money in the basket every week.   Last year, we really focused on this one, and we've been blessed abundantly in return.   I have no doubt that if I give until it hurts......He will not be outdone in generosity.  So this year, I will give all of the money I save with fasting away.   Mike and I have already decided to tithe by sponsoring a couple different parish ministries, in addition to the money saved while fasting.  The kids will also be asked to give this Lent - part of their allowance into the collection basket at Church (or another charity of their choice).  

7.  Fasting:  alright, here's the biggie.   This is where I really feel called to challenge myself (well, other than the heroic minute  - I told Mike about that part of my plan and he laughed at me.  It will definitely be a mortification that would make St. Josemaria proud!).   When I sat there, reflecting on what would be a significant sacrifice for me.......two things kept coming back and back in my head.   It's scary and intimidating to imagine giving this particular item up for the 40 days of Lent....but I will do it.  I am 100% confidant that this is what He's calling me to do.   Here it goes - a public declaration that you all can hold me to:   

I will give up coffee and drastically limit social media (no Facebook, and only the moms' group for the daily prayer, readings, and resolutions) for Lent.

When I told the kids last night at dinner what I was planning on doing (as we were helping them decide what to give up), this is what I saw:

No coffee or Facebook for Mommy?  Eek!

It's going to be a challenging Lent.  I'm sure of that.   But I'm feeling up to the challenge.  He has forced me to grow in so many ways over the past few months, and the desire to grow even more is strong.   My will, however, is weak.   These little mortifications - and they really are little, but the attachment to them is STRONG - are necessary.   My attachment to the "things of this world" is too strong.   He's calling me to break those attachments.   Every $1 I currently spend on coffee (which is a lot.  I'm embarrassed to say how much) will instead be used to praise Him, instead of being used to strengthen that attachment to worldly things.   

Please pray for me.   I know that I'm going to suffer at times (especially the coffee!) - and I'd love to be able to offer those sufferings for one of your intentions.   If you have a prayer request that you'd like to let me know about, please email it to me here.  

The Great Confession

*cough cough*

Hi.

I've been MIA for quite awhile now.   I'm sorry.   Multiple times over the past month and a half, I've sat down at the computer to write, and couldn't find the words.   It's been a month and a half on the front seat of an emotional roller coaster, and I've been unable to put all that is in my head on this computer screen.   There is still so much that I want to say, and cannot just yet.  More miscarriage stuff.   More adoption stuff.   The death of a very dear friend just before Christmas.   Parenting stuff.  Homeschooling stuff.  Updates on the boys.  All of this and so much more.......and to be honest, I'm just not ready.  

But I'm here today to make a confession.  Not about any of that - although I probably should - but about something else.

You see, I had a physical today.  Part of our adoption paperwork includes medical clearances - and it only has a "shelf life" of a year.  We're quickly approaching the expiration date on these clearances, and so Mike and I have had to go around, collecting all of these documents again - we've been getting poked and prodded all over again.   

This includes getting weighed.

On a doctor's scale.

The "moment of truth."

It was not a good moment.   

I knew that I'd gained some of my weight back after losing almost 40 pounds during 2011-2012.   My clothes were snug again.   I even knew exactly how it happened - pretty much from the moment Mike signed on the dotted line to accept his new job in Maine, I stopped paying attention to what I ate and drank and how much I exercised.

And, man, did it come back to bite me.

I am embarrassed to say that in the past 6 months, I gained back half of what I had lost.  

TWENTY POUNDS.

This is not good, y'all.   This is not okay.   Yes, we had a lot of crazy transitions, a lot of emotions, a lot of stress.  Yes, we had a pregnancy thrown in there that led to a lot of nausea and not-so-fun food moments.   My weight gain is understandable.

But it is not acceptable.

I know how to fix this.  I know where I went wrong - and I know exactly how I had so much success over the previous two years.   I know that I can lose that weight again and get myself back into a better position to grow our family, both through the adoption and biologically.     I know I can do better.

And so, right here, right now, I'm confessing my weight gain to you all.  I'm confessing my laziness and lack of discipline over the last 6 months.  

That time period is over with.    

Nunc coepi!

Now I begin!

Watching the rain...

I know, I know...it's been almost a month since my last post.  Go ahead, yell at me!  ;)  I did update the adoption blog  a few weeks ago, so it's not like I've been completely silent, but....oh well.  

I've sat down to write a post probably 30 times since my last update, but every time I've hit delete before publishing.   Today, however, seems like a day to write:  it's chilly (not cold, but chilly enough to have the heater on), dark and rainy outside, and there's a delicious-smelling turkey in the oven.  I'm listening to the sounds of my rascals playing with Legos up in Rascal #1's bedroom, and the plip-plop of the rain on the roof, enjoying a cup of hot tea....and finally sitting down to write.

If you're looking for a "happy-go-lucky, Heidi's going to share cute pictures of the boys" kind of post, this probably isn't going to be it.   You see, the reason why I've been deleting, not publishing each of the earlier editions of this entry is because of just that:  it's depressing.  There's a reason that a rainy day seems totally appropriate for finally sitting down and writing what I've been thinking and feeling:  it's quite "Eeyore-ish."    My life is wonderful - I often feel like I'm one of those "You wish your life was a great as you make it seem on Facebook" t-shirts.   The boys are healthy.  We spend most of our days enjoying being together, with lots of laughter and cuddling.     Mike's job is wonderful - his schedule is much more family-friendly, the paychecks are finally paying the bills, and the office and community have been incredibly supportive and welcoming.    We're back in a house that I love - every little thing about this house I adore.  It's my home.  

So why do I have any reason to be glum or depressed?   I don't really.   And so......the lack of posts.

How do you write about a feeling or experience that just doesn't make sense?   I have so many amazing things to be thankful for.  So many blessings.  So many things that I know others would love to have or experience.    How could I even begin to write something that's going to make it seem like I don't appreciate those blessings?   Because I do.   I truly do.  I know God has heaped tremendous blessings upon me.....and I am so grateful.    So, every time I started to think my writing was delving into the depressed realm....I trashed it.    Who did I think I was, to throw all of those blessings right back to God, without a token of gratitude?

So I'd write and write and write....and delete.

I'm going to bite the bullet and hit publish today.  Maybe.  We'll see.   If you're reading this....enjoy.  ;)  Who knows?  Maybe there's someone out there that can offer me a word or two of advice.  A book to read.  A Scripture passage.  A hug.  Who knows - maybe there's someone out there who feels the same way and is also trying to hold it inside because of the fear I'm feeling.   I don't know.  All I know is that the rain outside is lulling me into a sense of safety, and I need to write.

You see, I'm struggling.   Like I said, I'm so grateful for everything that I've been given.  But I'm struggling.   I have three amazingly beautiful, wonderful children......and yet there's an indescribable ache for more.   As far back as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom.  A large family wasn't a requirement, but as I've gotten further and further into my motherhood journey, the desire for more than 2.1 children has gotten stronger and stronger.    I know there are quite a few of you who don't understand why someone would ever want to commit to never being able to drive a sedan but be regulated to a E-150.....but try to imagine it with me.    That's the life I long for:  a full dinner table....the stereotypical "Catholic family."   

And it seems that the past few years.....my dream of a large family has been crushed again and again.   Health problems.   A miscarriage.  A significant adoption delay (probably a year).   Adoption opportunity after adoption opportunity falling apart.  It seemed like every time we started to move forward with increasing our family size - filling those empty spots at the dinner table or in the car - the door was getting slammed back in our face.   Every time it seemed like we were moving forward....the new family member was ripped out of hands.

I look around and I see friends having babies.   Friends announcing pregnancies.   Friends meeting their adoptive child for the first time.  Friends getting approved to adopt a child.   Friends bringing home children.....I'm surrounded by pictures of them.   Phone calls from friends, wondering if they're pregnant.   Emails from friends, announcing the birth of a child.   Pictures on my phone.  Pictures on my Facebook.  Pictures in my email.

Babies, babies everywhere.    

But  none of them are mine.

And I struggle.  I struggle with pain of seeing joy on everyone's faces, watching them revel in the one thing that I wish I had.    I struggle with the bitterness of an empty crib, still in its box, when we hoped it would be filled by now.   I struggle with mustering up the joy and excitement to respond to the friend who just had a home study approved.  I struggle with jealousy and envy as I go shopping for yet another "Congratulations on your new baby" card and gift.    I struggle with the fear of being a failure.   I hear the voices in the back of my mind (and sometimes in front of me, through the Starbuck's barista), chastising me for not being a "good enough" mother.  That, obviously, if I was a better mom, God would have let at least ONE of these opportunities lead to welcoming another child into our family.   I struggle with a fear of inadequacy.  A fear of failure.  

I escape into another book.   I try so hard to fight the tears.  The anger.  The depression.   I fold yet another load of laundry and try to focus on the laughter in the next room.   I put down the laundry and go sit on the floor with the little rascals, designing my own Lego car...in an attempt to shake the sadness and "be present to the moment."    But the moment I return to my silent room with the piles of laundry...or the moment the house is filled with only the snores of sleeping children.....or I catch a glimpse of the unopened "nursery" box while running to grab something out of the basement.....the pain hits me like a tidal wave.     I'm once again sinking in an ocean of pain, of confusion, and darkness.   Why is this dream being crushed, over and over again?

Why another miscarriage?

Why another delay in bringing Peter home?

The questions just echo again and again in my mind, feeling like little knives being stabbed into my already bleeding heart.

So I try to escape into the virtual world.  I sign onto Facebook, hoping for a cheap laugh from another silly meme, or a thrilling debate to distract my mind with.    And I see another newborn picture.   Or another visit to an orphanage to meet a child.   Another smiling family, welcoming their newest member.

And those evil, nagging voices with their daggers return.    I'm not a good enough mom to be trusted with more children.   I'm obviously failing in my vocation.   I mean, come on, I can't even focus on the goodness that's in front of me.  I'm obviously a greedy, selfish, ungrateful woman who can't be expected to care for another child.   So I turn off the computer and try to focus on the book Rascal #2 wants to try and read to me.  I try to memorize his smile - he'll never be this age again.   

So the beating myself up continues.   Not only am I now an ungrateful, selfish person....I'm losing the opportunity to be truly present to my life.   It never ends.   I write and write and write about it....try to pray...try to give it to Him and just trust in His plan.

And I fail.  EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

I just can't seem to let go.    I want to give it to Him.  I want to trust in His plan for our family.

So I write.  And I cry.

And I try again.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,

and the fact that I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope that I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road

though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always

though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me,

and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

–Thomas Merton